oh dearie dear
i have a real issue inside me. in my brain.
i think quite a bit, and i often find myself fretting and consumed with worry about not living enough.
i have a dream in my head and a big ache in my heart of what my life should be like. what any life should be like, really.
i think we should dream outrageously. i think we should dance. i think we should be outside more than we are inside. and i think when we're inside, we should spend it cuddling and snoozing and reading and listening.
i really really think we should work less and worry about money less. i think we should stop buying things we don't really want, and spend our money instead on seeing the world. on traveling, roaming, meeting other humans- our brothers and sisters- and learning about them. i think we should fill ourselves up with stories and histories and antique sunlight and laugh lines and good, real food and words. i really do.
and then i find myself swirling around and around in a big melting pot of housework, budgeting (or issues caused by lack thereof,) doing the same thing everyday, being ornery and short with people, not even noticing or more often hating strangers, hating driving, spending 23 hours per day inside, caring only about myself, and basically neglecting my dreams. basically becoming exactly what the world around me is making me.
but a big part of this and the part that is going to sound rather cheesy to you, is that when i blog, i feel much more connected to that dreamy part of me. that child and lover- who i think i truly am. i need to find ways to let her out more often, and just by reflecting and taking photos and sitting down each day to contemplate i feel that i can do that. i guess sometimes i just get bogged down by being on the internet so much. i just hate feeling always so connected.
and then i get worried about trying to keep this fancy blog and have an audience, when all i really care about is my heart and putting it on something. so then why don't i write in a journal? put printed photos and feathers and leaves and lipstick kisses inside? isn't that more my style?
stuck.
i think quite a bit, and i often find myself fretting and consumed with worry about not living enough.
i have a dream in my head and a big ache in my heart of what my life should be like. what any life should be like, really.
i think we should dream outrageously. i think we should dance. i think we should be outside more than we are inside. and i think when we're inside, we should spend it cuddling and snoozing and reading and listening.
i really really think we should work less and worry about money less. i think we should stop buying things we don't really want, and spend our money instead on seeing the world. on traveling, roaming, meeting other humans- our brothers and sisters- and learning about them. i think we should fill ourselves up with stories and histories and antique sunlight and laugh lines and good, real food and words. i really do.
and then i find myself swirling around and around in a big melting pot of housework, budgeting (or issues caused by lack thereof,) doing the same thing everyday, being ornery and short with people, not even noticing or more often hating strangers, hating driving, spending 23 hours per day inside, caring only about myself, and basically neglecting my dreams. basically becoming exactly what the world around me is making me.
but a big part of this and the part that is going to sound rather cheesy to you, is that when i blog, i feel much more connected to that dreamy part of me. that child and lover- who i think i truly am. i need to find ways to let her out more often, and just by reflecting and taking photos and sitting down each day to contemplate i feel that i can do that. i guess sometimes i just get bogged down by being on the internet so much. i just hate feeling always so connected.
and then i get worried about trying to keep this fancy blog and have an audience, when all i really care about is my heart and putting it on something. so then why don't i write in a journal? put printed photos and feathers and leaves and lipstick kisses inside? isn't that more my style?
stuck.
3 comments:
Worry less about what you think you should be doing to match who you are, and just "do" because of who you are. What is real is what you make it to be, not what anyone else makes it to be. Just start balancing what needs to be done (homemaking, bill paying, etc.) with what makes your heart sing. The only real audience that matters is your own inside you.
How is it that as I was thinking these exact same thoughts, you wrote them down? We should chat more often, because obviously we are on the same train of thought. This is why I miss freshman year. Remember dancing and swirling around the top of the houseboat when we spontaneously decided to go to Powell with people we didn't really know. That was epic. Let's do something like that again soon. Miss you!
i didn't know you guys had commented! i must have my notifications turned off. whoops. you both said such perfect things- thank you cristina for your insight. my problem has always been thinking and worrying too much. and laur! i'm going to send you an email pronto. i do remember. i remember our walk up the canyon that day in cedar, and talking about living extraordinary lives. they are still ours! just tweeked a little, because now we know more. but i think we should try hard not to lose that wild spirit we had back then- maybe just focus it.
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