out turn

well, life is definitely interesting. i think i have slowed down the writing on my blog because there is so much to say that i don't know what to say or where to start. but i've realized that is a pattern in my life. with my personal journal writing and photography, when life is good and fun i am great at documenting it. but when it is not so fun you'll find big empty spaces and gaps. and that isn't how i want to be, because these moments are the most poignant. so whoever reads this or whatever, i just don't care much anymore because i want to just say what i want to and write my feelings and thoughts. i have a lot of them. i want to throw up on this blog and prove that even though when i write like this it isn't that good or readable or interesting, i'm not afraid of that anymore. and that even when i am writing about crappy hard things, i can still KNOW joy in my life and recognize that to. and that is true.

it's hard being apart from somebody you love. no. not just a little hard, like, oh it was only 4 months and it went by fast and yeah it was hard but we made it. i mean, it's like that too and it will be at the end even more so. but right now, right in the thick of it, it is much harder than that. and sure i am the clingy type. i've gone through this with somebody before. it was an unhealthy relationship and we were not on the same page emotionally, and the whole situation that was forcing us apart really made me into somebody i wasn't. i look back on that relationship and it seems so long ago and so different from who i am and who i want to be. i almost feel that it's unfair that that person thinks of me that way, as a pathetic, needy, weepy girl. however, the point is that the past and that relationship compared to now is completely different.

first of all, i feel entirely 100 times more worse.

second of all, i am handling it entirely 100 times better. because i'm stronger of course, but also because the relationship is now healthy, the roles we play are how they should be for us. seth takes care of me. what i mean by that is that he understands me, he is patient with me, he takes his time to take care of me. we are a team and knowing that we each have our expectations of ourselves and each other gives us both the support we need.

so all in all, we're doing okay as much as possible. day by day. getting through missing each other like crazy and trying to deal with things that affect us both when we're so far away. they have decided to keep seth in sacramento for the summer rather than send him to texas, so that is a little gem of good news. 11 hours closer is fine with me. i'm hoping a few weekends can be spent together. he'll also be able to stay with family there and not have to feel as alone.

another really crappy thing that happened recently was last night seth's little brother jake crashed on his bike. he hit his head pretty hard and they ended up life flighting him to primary childrens in salt lake. they're pretty confident that there is no brain trauma, however he has some lung asperation. so right now they have some tubes draining that and helping him breathe, which means he has to be unconscious until that is taken care of. they are thinking a week or so in the hospital. any prayers for little jake would really be appreciated. and also for seth and his family, they need comfort and peace.

i miss kissing my baby. i miss his smell and his hands. you never realize how much somebody's smell means to you until you realize that nobody else, nothing else smells that way except them. and you want their warmth and their eyes when they're laughing.

thank you for your prayers and friendship. thanks for praying for jacob.