Testimony

I have to admit something. Confess, I suppose.
Throughout the last 2-3 years of my life, I have struggled with my beliefs. Not my belief in God. I know he is my father and i do not doubt where my soul originated or how this mortality came to be. Rather, I have felt angry with God. Why would you deal me these cards that I can neither play with nor conceive of abandoning?
I have doubted the organization of religion and the boundaries it sets up for my life. If those boundaries had failed to keep certain loved ones of mine happy and safe, then what good were they? Where is the truth in that? And yes, I accepted agency. I know that God does not cause bad things, sorrow and fear to happen. Those are human doings. We choose. And anybody can choose regardless of boundaries and promises set forth by the gospel. But I couldn't accept that. It wasn't enough. I resolved in a way that living outside those boundaries would likely lead to just as much happiness once it was accepted. If wrong choices would be made anyways, then why try?
And somehow, some way, the spirit and my faith have crept silently back into my heart. I need to do just what I've been saying, only within those boundaries. Accept. Accept that humans make up the membership of the church I believe is true. They are not perfect. Accept that I don't understand all things- eternal, heavenly things. Accept doubt. Accept annoyances. Accept misalignment in my own feelings that the gospel seems to have no answers for. Because the spirit of my father and savior have told me that this organization of religion is of God. That the priesthood is real and restored on this earth through this gospel. That revelation through this prophet is from heaven. That my grandma is still in my life. That my husband is my eternity and our kids will be too. That perfection isn't beautiful here. But to earn it- to see those loved ones finally at peace when we are all in that joyful, perfect realm- that is what I seek. I can live for that. The burning in my heart and the tangible, living blessings that I experience through this gospel testify to me that it is real.
I am finally convicted again.