Day 4

Grief really is an ocean. It is deep and it ebbs and flows. This loss has such a sting and such an ache, just like ice-cold salt water before you finally get used to it.

My Rams, my brother-dog, my pup. We put him to sleep on Thursday, May 4th, sometime between 5:30 and 6. He was almost seventeen, we think. I was 13, or maybe 14 when we got him; a tiny, fluffy floppy thing. I remember so clearly the crisp mornings and his warm puppy breath while we tried to house-train him. Our first family pet.

I knew it would be this hard. I have gathered him up and bathed him in tears multiple times this last little while. That's the true bittersweetness of dogs: they fill you up, but they can't stay forever, and when they leave it empties you. I knew this was coming. I know it is coming for my two sweet girls, as well. Someday.

Ironically, perhaps, that is one peace I've felt since Thursday night. For maybe the first time in my life, a larger understanding of the futility of fearing death.

I've cried once today. Day 4. I'm still at work as I write this, and I think solitude might bring it out again later. I dread the sadness, but I know it is necessary. I dread it because it consumes me. In the midst of it, I can hardly see a way out. In the midst of it, I am certain that I don't want a life without his soft little nose and his corn-chip paws. But I come out of that place every time. I come back to the sunlight and I remember, remember, his happiness, his good life, the reality of life itself, and the final act of love that we chose to send him away with.

And though it was time; his body must've hurt, his anxiety was overwhelming him; how can it have been time? How can this be that we were already there? How, when for all the days of the last sixteen years, he was here, is he now gone? Just like a gust of wind. So sudden and so quick. One last rise of his chest, and then nothing.

That little soul. He'll be with me forever. You'll be with me forever, Rams. I know that to some, you're just a dog. To many, (maybe most?) all animals are just animals. But I know better. I know the deepest truth that you only know once you've loved an animal. You were never 'just' anything. You were a member of our family. You were my only brother. You were the laughter when all seemed lost. You were the light when things were so heavy. You were a bigger understanding that I can't even begin to tap into. You were a connection to something mystical. You were the personification of my heart. You were the earth. You were the sky. You were and you are and you always will be. If there is anything waiting for us when we leave this consciousness, I know I'll find you there.  

Mostly I want to read.

I'm so glad that I decided to take the Steinbeck class this semester. I have always wanted to read his other books, but like all books that I plan to read, I never get around to it.
I read east of Eden while at the Grand Canyon and I was smitten. I read grapes of wrath in high school. But no Steinbeck since.. Not even of mice and men! Well, I read OMAM last night, and loved it so dearly I want to read it again. I love my Steinbeck.
This semester there will be no time for much else, but oh boy brotha! This summer is my reading summer. I'm going to compose a list of all the books I'd like to read in my lifetime.
I just need it. I need to drink deeply of those words. They satisfy me. They soothe me. They open my heart and mind. My heart and mind must be open for me to be happy.
Mostly I am excited for Thoreau!!! He is truly my lover from another time. (Not even close to Seth though.)
Lately, Seth and I have been talking a lot about life. We really like it. And we like that we are in charge. We get to choose what we want to do with this time, however long it is.
It is liberating! And though I've always felt this way, I have had to strive to teach Seth how to view the world differently, how to view things critically. I don't mean how to view things my way, no, but rather to naturally perceive all of the different ways of seeing a thing, and exploring those paths.
How do other countries live? Other cultures? What is work ethic? Do we have good values as a society? How do they align with our spiritual beliefs? What does it mean to be lazy? Are all things relative? What is the meaning of language? Why do these things matter? What matters???
Basically, we want to move to the wild and live our lives free of possession and raise our babies and live off the fat of the land!
Wahoo!!

I haven't blogged for so long! I just didn't feel like it during the holidays. I still don't feel like it, but I want to have these photos and posts for my records some day. It's so not fun on my phone though.. But my photos are on it so its easier than uploading them and then blogging. Bah.
Thanksgiving was super good this year! It was relaxing and we just had my grandma Quayle down. We went to my parents house. Mad came over in the morning and helped me get some things ready. She made pumpkin pie with a crumble on top and it turned out amazing! I also brined my first turkey this year. That was an experience! Turkeys are kind of gross.
Then Christmas came and went in ablur. Actually, from the first fall leaves until New Years sped my. Like always. It's sad.
But Christmas was really nice as well. This was the first year we have had really extra money, so we spoiled each other. It was fun to do! We know once we have kids we will lose that ability:) I got clothes, a scarf, makeup, jewelery, an Xbox, a Harry movie book, a robe, perfume, sweats, nail polish, a phone case... I think that's it.
For Seth I got church clothes, cologne, shoes, jeans, shirts, hickory farms, various ninja turtle items, and other things I can't think of.
We had fun spoiling our family as well and spending the day with them. We also went to Seth's family Christmas party and my work party which were both lovely.
It even snowed Christmas Eve and day! It was pretty perfect.
Soooo here are the photos. In order! Cause my blogging app had an update!

Over and out.

My little models

These two girls are my babies. My lovely little sisters. We like to hang out! I had them model for me when the first snow came this year. It was a little cold but they were good sports.

It was all yellow.

Remember how I was like, "I hate huge photo update posts blah blah"? Well I realized that the 200+ photos on my phone right now keep getting in my way. I need them gone and yet they haven't been blogged yet. So I'm on mission blog all photos and talk about them for future generations.
This fall has been... Bright and crisp, pastel, golden, balmy. Simple, yet new. Fresh and antique. I am in love with it. It was just what my soul needed. I needed shivers.
We spent a night at cornbelly's midway through October. We love hanging with my sisters, they are so fun! Brin didn't come though.. Something about her friend obsessed age happening currently. We had a lot of fun going through the mazes and haunted things. Seth fell, then I fell onto him, then I peed. (Not the first time or even second time I've peed on my husband.) I had to walk around all itchy and stinky the rest of the night, it was great fun. We ate really big hot dogs and stopped for hot cocoa with all the fixins on our way home at the good ol mavrick. It was a good night!
Other Halloween festivities included castle of chaos Orem, just Sneth and I and we did the hands on experience which was creepy. And I didn't love the vamps all up on my man. Also, shay Seth and I got creepo masks and ran around chasing kids with a chainsaw on Halloween. It was mostly a fail because dear Seth couldn't get the saw going half the time, but it was funny!
At work we dressed up as athletes. Seth wore my witch hat. Gin was a little witch too. Shay and I did crazy makeup and went to Bombay house before Seth got off work.
Another time, earlier, we took madie and Ali on the drive from hobble creek to sf canyon. It was just a little gorgeous and we listened to Ingrid with the leafy air blowing through the windows the whole time. One of my favorite memories this fall.
We carved pumpkins with shay and later smashed them on Halloween. We watched all the grudges and attempted to scare Seth as the grudge girl. Madie was supposed to be her but became afraid that kayako would haunt her, so shay did it. But left her keys out when they changed. Ruined the whole thing. It was worth it though, to see my dad get all into it and excited to scare Seth.
I love my papa.
We got booed and booed others, made pumpkin cookies and ate too much candy.
It was a lovely Halloween and fall, and it's now the last week of it. Before Christmas time is here, I just want to soak up these last days of yellow.